The first time I came across this extract, I was eight. I had just been appointed the long-awaited title of ‘free reader’. And with that, came the natural excitement of graduating from the classics of Biff & Chip to the more advanced books my library had to offer.
So, what better way to celebrate the coming-of-age of comprehension than with a copy of The Twits? This very text was where I was first introduced to the concept of Husn Udh-Dhann Finnaas (positive thinking and having good opinions of others), and one of my favourite childhood games was birthed — ‘car compliments to strangers’.
The rules were simple. During car journeys, my sister and I would take it in turns to name one nice thing about each of the strangers we drove past. A rapid-fire exercise in looking for beauty in others.
As this was a quick visual task, the majority, if not all, of our observations were physical: “I like her hair”, “his jacket is nice”, “they have kind eyes”. But occasionally, we’d surprise even ourselves with some of the unsuspected attributes we’d list: “they seem really friendly”, “a good listener”, “an old soul”. It is through these innocent and minor observations where inspiration undoubtedly rests.
In doing so, I have managed to draw upon inspiration from many sources over time. Those obvious — such as family and friends, and those not so apparent — such as the unknowing players in my game. But my biggest and most obvious source of inspiration remains my mother.
For as long as I can remember, all I wanted was to emulate her. My mother’s grace, composure and empathy were all qualities I vigorously studied. And so now, whenever someone brings up a decent trait of mine, I’m always quick to remind them that I have most likely copied these from her.
My mother recounts to me stories of my childish antics. As a young girl, I would watch from her bedroom door on weekends, as she got ready for a wedding, and innocently moan at how she was ‘prettier’ than me. Much to her amusement, she’d pull me into her lap and reassure me that we were but one and the same. And over the years, this has slowly, but certainly, been made apparent. Not just in our physical resemblance — which is undeniable. But in the traits and mannerisms pointed out to us by others.
Now when I join her at wedding festivities (the same ones I used to envy her for), I am often immediately met with “you are Halima’s daughter” — more of a statement than a question. And I can’t describe just how satisfying that is to hear — to be recognised for my qualities, what’s more, to be recognised as a reflection of her.
When this occurs, the same thought always comes to mind. In order for you to have seen whatever goodness in me, it obviously exists in you too. We are all “Halima’s daughter”, or someone’s something somewhere. A person’s reflection — both good and bad, a complex combination of aspirations, insecurities, and projections. We have all probably played a similar game of ‘car compliments to strangers’ without knowing that we were listing the very same qualities that exist within ourselves. And how beautiful is that?
Our values
“Tell me what inspires you, and I’ll tell you who you are.” — someone I admire
We often reveal our values through the qualities we admire in others. For instance, celebrating generosity, curiosity, and integrity shows depth of character. While being more impressed by fame, fortune and status might be a sign of shallowness.
I remember doing an exercise last year on a programme where I was given a pack of cards, each printed with one value, and the difficult task of narrowing down 100 (arguably equally important) values into the four I held most dear.
After much deliberation, the cards I was left with were: ‘discipline’, ‘courage’, ‘compassion’ and ‘authenticity’.
And although I didn’t fully understand why I choose these at the time, a friend (who I had just made a few days prior) did. “It makes sense”, she said. “Tell me what inspires you, and I’ll tell you who you are”. Though seemingly insignificant in the moment, that comment has stayed with me.
It reminds me of something similar a family friend had said about how he and his partner decided to celebrate and acknowledge their daughters. His wife suggested to him early on in their daughters’ lives to praise them for the things they wanted them to care about. And so, in their home, their girls were constantly praised for their ethics, kindness, candour and determination, and rarely ever praised for their beauty — although in their eyes (and mine too), they certainly didn’t lack in that department either. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the girls grew up to care more about the qualities their parents nurtured, as opposed to the superficial qualities (e.g., physical appearance) that society values most in women.
Golden Shadow
“Real recognise real.”
How you perceive others is a direct reflection of you. When it comes to the qualities you admire most in other people, these are likely the qualities you love most about yourself — your “golden shadow” projected outwards. In essence, to see beauty in others, you must have beauty so deep rooted in you, that you can’t help but see it everywhere. How else would you have recognised it?
Admiring something that’s already in you can be a great tool to get to know yourself better and begin to appreciate yourself. Perhaps you’ve not yet become aware that the good traits or qualities that you value in another is also a wonderful attribute of yours.
I remember starting my first corporate job straight out of Uni as a reserved and anxious 20-year-old and being in awe of the effortless conviction my colleague Amy had. During a one-to-one with Amy a few weeks later, I expressed my desire to use her as a mentor to help work on my confidence, to which she responded — “but you have such a calm, quiet authority”.
I’ll admit, it was an observation I found really surprising. I hadn’t ever associated that quality with myself. And I especially didn’t think it was an observation someone like herself could make about someone like me — a nervous ball of energy. Nevertheless, I didn’t internalise this until it became a recurring remark by those around me. When I started to acknowledge these subtle comments, something interesting happened. I understood myself a bit more. Apparently when I spoke, I commanded attention — I forced people to listen. It was my first conscious encounter of my golden shadow. And something I still grapple with daily.
Channelling admiration positively
It can also be argued that we admire in others what we lack rather than what we have. In fact, for a trait to fascinate you, it may be something that you consider unable to achieve yourself. This in turn can lead to envy. However, I’ve learned not to condemn envy because it’s ultimately just wishing that you had the thing you in admire in someone else and that’s completely normal. It’s how you channel that admiration that counts.
Think of it like this — if you feel excited and motivated by others, there’s something in them that resonates with you. This spark could be indicative of a seed of potential that’s waiting to sprout. So, instead of pedestalling others and focusing on what they have, focus that attention on yourself and cultivate what you have. Nurture the qualities within you. Let your approach be constructive. Make use of those you admire to help you get to know yourself and inspire you to be who you really want to be.
Law of the mirror & shadow work
“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.” — Herman Hesse
Every single person in your life is your mirror. What this means is that others are always reflecting parts of your consciousness back to you. So, just like people highlight your strengths, they also highlight your shortcomings.
When I first came across this idea, it was hard to digest. I thought of the types of people who provoked me and was offended at the suggestion that their annoying qualities were lurking deep in my own psyche. But it made sense, I guess. The qualities we tend to dislike most in other people may be what we cannot see or are resisting in ourselves. I imagine most people would react in the same way. No one wants to hold themselves accountable for their judgements about those who challenge them. We’d rather dissociate and point fingers. Seldom do we realise that when one finger is pointing at another person, the other three are pointing right back at us. This is known as the “law of the mirror” and is a valuable tool for “shadow work”.
““… the only trick of friendship, I think, is to find people who are better than you are — not smarter, not cooler, but kinder and more generous, and more forgiving — and then appreciate them for what they can teach you, and try to listen to them when they tell you something about yourself, no matter how bad — or good — it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. But the best, as well.” — Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life
That is the beauty of relationships, I suppose. We come to understand ourselves best through our interactions with others, especially those closest to us. When my eldest brother got married, I remember him telling me how loving someone makes you realise that you’re not half of the goodness you think you are. Your flaws, in their full glory, are laid bare before you.
Oftentimes, we think that we’re ready for love until we realise that our greatest love will be a mirror for all of the things that we have ever hid about ourselves, and we have to be ready to work through every inch of that, in whatever way it decides to manifest. Love unearths the things we don’t know about ourselves. Love forces us to confront the areas that need changing. At its very core, love heals.
“The beauty you see in me is a reflection of you.” ― Jalaluddin Rumi
So, I call on you to engage in a round of ‘car compliments to strangers’. Whatever variation of the game you choose to partake in — whether that be proud pedestrian praises, cyclist connoisseur commendations or TFL trekker tributes, seek to find beauty in others. It costs nothing to give those you admire their flowers. If not vocally, then at the very least, in your heart.
And know that as you’re listing these honourable qualities, you are simultaneously affirming yourself, because those exact same attributes exist within you.
