´There are years that ask questions and years that answer.’ — Zora Neale Hurston
Though reflection is a daily habit I’ve fortunately acquired over the years through journaling, I’ve been avoiding my 2021 recap for a while. Yes, procrastination and end-of-year burnout are the typical culprits for this delay. But having to do justice to this transformative period in a quick entry, are perhaps, even more so. Nevertheless, here goes my feeble attempt at introspection.
2021 started pretty unfavourably. I was isolating during the pandemic, studying for my MSc, while working two stressful jobs. All remotely, mind you. My birthday, which falls at the start of each year usually signalled promise — the start of something new and exciting. Though last year, instead of celebrating 24 years of existence, I was holed up in a 24-hour intense exam. Undoubtedly, this was not the ideal way to reign in the new year, but it definitely set the tone of what to expect in 2021. Disorder.
To regain some control, agendas and checklists quickly became my close acquaintances. Every night I would skim through my completed to-do list before replacing it with new tasks for the following day. Despite ticking off everything in a satisfactory manner and keeping my calendar booked, fulfilment rarely ever came. There was a void I had no idea how to fill. And perhaps that is what directed me to make a very specific duaa. A duaa I had never really considered before — and that was for community. It was only until the words escaped my lips, did I realise how much my soul longed for this.
The more I uttered it, the more confident I grew that it would be answered. Though at the time, I had absolutely no idea how. But as the year progressed, there was no denying that it did. I found companionship in the most unexpected of places. Compassion from strangers. And a comfort I had long yearned for.
Community: relationships >>> possessions
‘Anyone who wants to have his provision expanded and his term of life prolonged should maintain ties of kinship.’ — Bukhari
2021 was the year I realised that the yardstick that I had been using for success was hugely flawed. This measure took the form of possessions — namely my professional, academic, and personal achievements. As of late, however, I’ve come to appreciate that success should be measured by a different metric entirely — relationships.
The void which overwhelmed me for so long appeared to only lessen when I focused on compounding relationships rather than furthering possession. What do I mean by this? Well, when you compound relationships, that is when you are able to compound love and companionship. That is when you are able to have a bank of real experiences that you can draw upon. It is when you realise that things don’t last, but memories do. It is when you appreciate the beauty in seeking a value-based life, as opposed to a goal-based one.
A big reason why we as a whole, including myself, struggle with community is because we’re taught that the self is all we need for love, healing, and company. Individualism has dangerously rebranded self-imposed loneliness into self-help. Yes, independence and the ability to self-soothe is crucial, but you really cannot self-care your way out of the need for community, relationships, and a support system. The notion that we must heal alone, love alone and be alone — before we are capable or worthy of seeking help is a scam. The majority of us are not taught the proper ways to pursue, build, and sustain community, because inherently our societies devalue it in such an aggressive and inhumane way. And as a result, we’re left with chronic loneliness.
One of the longest longitudinal studies (approximately 75 years) on happiness demonstrates this clearly. The study found that what distinguished the happiest and healthiest individuals from the unhappy and unhealthy ones, was the quality of their interpersonal relationships. Thus, it is no surprise that in order to live a value-based life, we should strive to not only form new meaningful relationships, but also improve the quality of existing relationships we may take for granted, such as those with our family members.
The passage of time & mourning the person I could have become
‘Regardless of desire, life hands you who you are.’ — Casey Haymes
It is surreal how sometimes it can take years for you to notice your life has headed in a trajectory you never expected. And while you may never have thought of it before, the realisation can start a horrible process of you doubting your choices and mourning the person you could’ve been.
If time has taught me one thing, it is this — it is important to abandon former conceptions to make space for our current self. By extending ourselves such grace, and realising we are all at the mercy of our every-changing environments, we can truly appreciate the person we have become.
The fluidity of existence & the notion of self
‘The idea that others saw in me one that was not the I whom I knew, one whom they alone could know, as they looked at me from without, with eyes that were not my own, eyes that conferred upon me an aspect destined to remain always foreign to me, although it was one that was in me, one that was my own to them (a “mine,” that is to say, that was not for me!) — a life into which, although it was my own, I had no power to penetrate — this idea gave me no rest.’
― Luigi Pirandello
The Italian novel ‘Uno, Nessuno, Centomila (One, No One and One Hundred Thousand)’ by Luigi Pirandello is a poignant dissection of an individual’s struggle for a sense of self.
Essentially, the protagonist, “X” goes crazy when he realises that everyone he has ever met has constructed a different version of “X” in their minds, and that none of these versions correspond to the image of “X” that he believes to be true.
The novel got me reflecting on the fact that there are a thousand different versions of yourself out there, in people’s minds. A “you” exists in each version, and yet your “you”, “yourself”, isn’t really a “someone” at all. The notion of self is a multi-faceted one. Why should we get so anxious and hung up on how others perceive us, when existence in and of itself is so fluid?
Don’t allow society to put you in a box. You are allowed to pivot. Your desires and interests can change. Your priorities can shift. You don’t have to stay where you were, or even where you are now. Change isn’t to fear. Complacency is.
Embracing the work in progress
‘The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle.’ — Anias Nin
Lessons this year has taught me:
Mindfulness — strive to remain grounded, present, and content in the current moment. Stop anticipating happiness by constantly moving the goalpost to exceptional and infrequent events. But instead, learn how to find contentment in the mundane, for the majority of life is unremarkable and ordinary.
Gratitude — Think in a place of abundance rather than a place of scarcity. The ability to dream, imagine and pray for the very best, while still appreciating the blessings that already exist, keeps us in a constant state of gratitude.
Reflection — Our inner monologues have tremendous power over us. With the ability to affect our mood, physical bodies, and consequently our every waking moment, it is extremely important that we pay heed to our thoughts. I’ve found that regularly picking up a pen and journaling is so instrumental in managing my mental health. It’s fascinating what you discover about yourself when you simply engage and explore your thoughts.
Mercy — As you evolve, approach yourself with curiosity instead of criticism. Watch how your perspective shifts when you remove judgement from the equation. Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight. Although, 21 days is considered the standard duration to form a habit, unlearning social and/or cultural conditioning takes a lifetime.
Undoubtedly, 2021 was the year of revelations. Here’s to praying that 2022 will continue to provide answers.
